Timeline 4-Abuse Begins

After that everything started to get worse and worse. My abuser knew he had control. After a month of dating, Dick decided to leave his job at dealership he worked at to become an “online coach and motivational speaker.” He didn’t have any money because he told me the dealership made him pay for advertising that was used there and he was paying off past debt. I was confused as to why they made him pay for stuff for their company, but I said whatever and helped him out. I helped him pay for everything, so he could get his new business off the ground. I knew what it was like being a business owner and the struggles, so I wanted to help. I paid for every date we went on, I paid for all the dinners we ate, and I paid if we stopped to get something before the gym. I helped pay for groceries for him and his son and I even paid for things like his sons yearbook. I literally helped him financially with everything that I could the entire first year because I loved him and wanted to help him out. Don’t’ get me wrong, after the first year he would pay for dinners, but money was constantly an issue. Unfortunately, little did I know this was a normal behavior of his and I ended up loaning him money until February of 2018.

When he quit his job at the dealership to start his own business, life got very stressful for me! At the time his mom was also living in his house, and that was also very stressful on both of us. Everything easily angered my abuser. His ex’s, parents, work, his body, sibling, people who drank, people who made more money than him, literally everything! The first month into our relationship Dick and his mom got into a fight. I have no idea what it was about, but I remember coming home from dinner and we were pulling around the circle in my driveway and all the sudden Dick started screaming at me. He was mad at his mom he said, but he took it out on me. When he was mad, he was very mad. I remember thinking who the hell does this man think he is. He’s literally been dating me a month and thinks he can talk to me like this. I was shocked. This was the first time he had raged on me. He ended up apologizing and making things better, but that was the start of the downhill spiral.

After the first month nothing got better, everything just got worse. His mom continued to live with him for the first few months of our relationship. Just about every single day he would come over to my house or pick me up to go to the gym and instantly starting complaining about his mother. He would say she was crazy and that it was bad for his mental health for her to live with him. He would tell me that she was very abusive and just constantly screamed at him. He told me that she had no money, so she had to live in his house for free and also use his car and gas for free. I ended up letting him drive my old car, so she could drive his. This entire time I was helping him to survive financially. It was super annoying because I don’t think he ever told her or anyone else that I was helping support him. It felt like I was helping supporting him, so that he could support her. I’m not sure what went on behind closed doors with them. I didn’t live at his house, so what he said about her could have been completely made up. I did hear some of the phone conversations where he was very demeaning towards her, but I thought it was because she was being mean to him. That’s what he would tell me at least. Once winter came his mom moved out of his house and went back to Florida.

A mother's day card from my abuser. I was not my abuser's son's mother and I never tried to be, but I did love him. His son's mother is an excellent mom!

For a little while our issues weren’t too bad. He would still get angry, mean, and manipulative quite often, but I thought it was just because he was stressed out about building his business. Dick was still getting the business off the ground and he needed help with his son, so I became like the “guardian” so to say, while he was at Dad’s house. Dick didn’t have time for him, so I tried to help out. I didn’t want to be placed in front of a videogame his whole life like he already was when he was at his dad’s. I would pick him up from school or he would get dropped off at my work numerous times a week. I did his homework with him every night and I fed him dinner every night. I made sure that he was getting everything done for school before he could watch TV or play videogames. I took him to visit his grandpa and cousins by myself. When something was wrong I was the one to comfort him. He would beg me constantly to spend the night at his dad’s house every night he was there and when I did I would wake up in the middle of the night with him sleeping on top of me or hugging me. I did everything a parent would do. I was basically a nanny as we did most things by ourselves. I didn’t ask to be put in this position. I also never wanted to try and play the role of his mother, as I would never want someone to do that with my child. At the same time though, I wasn’t going to not a show 7 year old the love and affection that he was asking for and needed. I was literally put into a position I didn’t ask for, but I was ok with it because his dad was too busy to pay attention to him. Dick would constantly make me feel guilty by saying he’s just a single dad. He’s “new” to raising a child (being 8 months sober) and he can’t do it all by himself, so I picked up the slack. When Dick’s mother lived with him she took care of his son, but when she moved back to Florida it was up to me. I treated him as if he was just like one of my nephews, just like my family did. I finally started to feel like I was just there to be a caregiver and for financial support. I told him I couldn’t care for his son on that level anymore that he needed to be part of a family with us.

My nephews and I hanging out at Lefty's!

Between starting a business, having Dick’s mother live with him, being a single dad and co-parenting with his ex it was very stressful time. I thought these were the reasons he was mean to me, but in actuality those were just some of his excuses to get away with treating me like shit. Every single day he was mad at me. It didn’t matter how much I did or didn’t do he would still find a reason to be mad. For two years I lived on Dick’s schedule. High anxiety and go, go, go type of life. I had to get up and be to the gym by 8 at the latest, so he could get to work. He would come to my house and wake me up in the morning and then wait in the car making videos while I got ready. I’m not a morning person! I could not text him while he was at work because I would just mess up his work mindset, but then when I didn’t text him it was because I didn’t love him enough. I had to be willing to do whatever he wanted to do, and if I didn’t I would be ready for a fit which would turn into a full blown rage. I walked on eggshells to say the least. It was easier to just agree even if it wasn’t something I cared to do.