20-Crazy Emotions

The process has been confusing, but worth it. The first two weeks I was extremely sad. I didn’t know where to begin and I didn’t know how I was going to get through it. The two weeks following my rough weeks, I was happy. I had started with my life coach and I was getting into great detail with my counselor on the abuse. Both my counselor and my life coach were helping me to figure out why I get in these situations and how to prevent them from happening again. I was working on my vision board, I was writing, and I was doing a lot of reading and educating myself. The next two weeks after that were very difficult. I was extremely angry. I couldn’t figure out why I was angry, but I was. I didn’t care if my abuser died and never wanted to see him again. I had just started a type of therapy called “exposer therapy.” It’s exactly what it sounds like. I had to voice record my traumas on my phone, listen them to daily, and relive the horrible experiences. It sucked!

I told my life coach I was angry and she could tell, but she’s not a licensed therapist so she wanted me to talk to my counselor about the issues. She wanted me to discuss my anger with him and see what coping skills I needed to work on to get past that part of the healing process, so that’s what I did. At my next counseling session I told him that I was very angry. I asked if it was normal to be this angry and not care if my abuser died. I thought I was crazy. He said, yes that it was normal, but we just had to try and not stay in that stage for too long. I’m not proud that I felt this way, but it’s important for other abuse victims to know it’s normal. If I wouldn’t have been that angry, then I probably wouldn’t have gotten over him and would have wanted him back. The anger stage was helpful for me. I asked my counselor what I should do to cope with anger because I didn’t want to stay in that emotional state for long. When I asked him what I should do he made a joke telling me to “take up knitting.” I didn’t think it was very funny. He gave me no coping mechanisms besides to form Play-Doh into a perfect square. That can only help for so long, I needed more help. I felt like I was just falling apart.

With everything going on I went and signed up at a support group. On December 13th, before starting with the group, I had to discuss the issues that happened. I had to talk about psychological abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse. All of which I encountered in some way or another. I started telling her how I had been very angry, but didn’t know why. I told her that I was going to counseling and to my life coach. The weeks leading up to me being so angry my counselor had started telling me that I couldn’t post on Facebook about my abuse anymore. I wasn’t really sure why I wasn’t able to post, but his reasoning was that I would start to rely on it too much. Well that’s not true because I don’t give a shit if I get 1 like or 500 likes, but I didn’t get it.

I did end up finding out that was not the real reason why though. I will explain that soon. Anyways, if I’m able to express myself and help other people then I’m happy. That’s just the type of person I am and always have been. When my friends struggled through school, I always let them live with me. I’m the type of person that always thinks I can help people, even when I really can’t sometimes. It is said that by helping someone else it also helps you to heal. That’s very true for me! Anyways, I was listening to my counselor and not posting on Facebook like he wanted. On three separate occasions he told me he didn’t want me to post, so I stopped. I realized that’s when I started to get angry.

A picture my abuser's niece made me!

I was going to counseling and my life coach each week where I discussed issues that pertained to my abuse. It was getting brought up and pounded into my brain over and over again. I was given no coping mechanisms from my counselor. My life coach would help by giving my homework. My counselor however did nothing in helping me release the anger! My way of releasing all of the negativity from reliving my traumas daily was by posting on social media. It was an outlet for me and I could express everything I needed to. I was also getting advice from those who had gone through it, something my counselor couldn’t relate to.

It wasn’t until my meeting at my support group center that it all started to make sense. I told her that it was stupid that I wasn’t allowed to post on Facebook. She told me that it made sense that I would be angry because for 2.5 years everything in my life had been manipulated. I was told how to live, how to feel, and basically walked on eggshells every single day of my life to protect my abuser. She said, “When you’re still being told what to do, you’re decisions are still being manipulated just like they had been for 2.5 years. When someone is telling you not to post on Facebook it’s like your still protecting him. Something you don’t want to do anymore.” She hit the nail on the head. She was dead on. I had been trying to figure it all out and put it into words, but I just couldn’t. The next day I had to go to my life coach. I explained to her everything that I was feeling and why I thought I was feeling that way. It all started to make sense to her too.

This picture has nothing to do with this. I juswt love slot machines. They make me happy!