46-Effects of Abuse

The effects of abuse are not fun, but rather scary. I don’t think people have a true understanding of what it actually does to a person’s brain. I will explain in detail what it has done to me.

DIAGNOSIS

The abuse that I went through has affected me in many different ways. I was diagnosed with extreme anxiety, extreme PTSD, and severe depression. However, I do not believe my depression is very extreme. It only gets bad when certain things occur like most peoples. It is scientifically proven that being in an abusive relationship causes a bio chemical addiction in the brain just like a drug addict is addicted to cocaine. I still have the withdrawals just like a junkie does, but it is getting a lot easier to deal with. My life coach tells me I’m basically like someone waiting on the side of the road for a bump of cocaine, just mine is waiting for him to abuse me again because that’s what I’m use to and addicted to. It’s that cycle I talked about previously. When people say, “I’m afraid for his new supply, but I know she’s strong enough that she will walk away when it gets bad,” I want to tell them they are most likely wrong. Narcissists prey on those that are hurting, so he is going to convince her that everything is her fault. I had no idea I was getting abused. I knew the name calling wasn’t right or punching the dog wasn't normal, but I didn’t understand the rest. I was so manipulated to believe certain things that I still have a hard time understanding everything that has happened. She isn’t going to believe it, she is going to try and defend him and his actions, and she is going to keep most of the abuse to herself because it's embarrassing. Trust me, I’ve been there, I’ve done that! The addiction is hard and it a continual process that has to be worked on to get away and stay away. Being addicted to your abuser is a normal tactic used by them to keep you quiet.

Although I was diagnosed with these things they do not define who I am. Something that my life coach reminded me of was if we are constituently labeled with things it is only going to bring our self esteem down. I had to realize what my issues were, but I try hard to work on them so they don't define my life. Before I go into depth how I work on not letting the labels control me I am going to explain more damage that the abuse has done to me.

ANXIETY

I have always been an anxious person, but since dating an abusive person it has amplified times 1000. I now have panic attacks on airplanes and I have to take Xanax, so I don’t freak out. I never had a panic attack on airplane before dating Dick. I actually flew from Florida to Aruba in the past all by myself and was perfectly fine. It is said that anxiety gets a lot stronger after being abused. I am also always on high alert. I will watch my surroundings very intently. My old counselor told me the wave lengths in someone’s brain are actually changed once being abused and most abuse victims live on high alert, fight or flight. He told me that it is basically like my heart is beating and that’s it. He said that an abuse victim’s brain and organs no longer function properly. They are actually shutting down, which is why be believed I was and am always so tired. I recently went to dinner with my friend and she said, “Stop looking around, you’re ok. No one is going to hurt you.” I don’t notice that I’m doing these things, but it's just a habit when I am out. I have also been told that I apologize a lot and I don’t need to be apologizing. That’s something else I don’t even realize I’m doing. Two months later and I still have issues with these things, but I am working on them. My dad knocked on my bedroom door one morning and I shot out of bed thinking it was my abuser. It was normal for him to just show up and try to come in my bedroom when we would fight. Small things like that give me huge amounts of anxiety which I think with time I can overcome them.

IGNORE CALLS

I absolutely hate phone calls now that I have been abused. A lot of the times I will ignore my calls unless they are my family members. For 2.5 years every time I answered the phone it was mostly to get yelled at or spoken over. It was very uncomfortable. During my relationship with Dick I actually ignored all my calls. He would tell me to answer and I would always say, “No, you’re just going to yell at me.” He would tell me he wasn’t going to yell, but he would anyways. If you are trying to get ahold of me, I suggest you text me as I’m a lot more likely to answer. It is something that I have to work on.

PARANOID

I am so paranoid that I have got out of my car two times to make sure that someone hasn’t shoved anything in my exhaust pipes to try and kill me, like my ex. If I go to a public place I will park my car where I can see it to make sure nothing happens to it. I still have nightmares quite often of being cheated on or screamed at, both of which make me wake up sad or angry. I stopped going to all places my ex frequents, as I wish to never see him again. I quit my gyms, I have only been to my coffee shop three times since leaving my abuser, I think I have gone to the grocery store maybe five times and only once by myself. I will not walk to my car by myself at night and if I have to I will walk very fast with my hands in fists looking side to side. My abuser would not be afraid to physically hurt me and I know that, so I protect myself even if it means being paranoid.

ZERO TRUST

I literally have zero trust. It’s weird though because I easily trust people, but then have no trust once I’m actually with them. For example, I easily trust that someone is a good person and nice, but I won’t get into a relationship because I know when I do I won’t trust anything they do or say. I am professional Facebook stalker, I can find anything. My abuser lied to me so many times that I literally searched his house for steroids and drugs when we were together. This is one of the hardest issues I have to overcome because I don’t know how long it will take to be able to trust again. Again, I choose not to date for many reasons and this is one of them. I also hope that when I do find someone that they will take the time to understand what I have been through and why I am the way I am. I don’t wish nor try to be this way. It’s just a work in progress.

SENSATIVITIES

There are days where I will just break down sobbing and I can’t explain it. My brain feels like a jumbled mess that I just can’t explain. I get uncomfortable around men and think that their only attention is to have sex with me. I also get very uncomfortable around men that aren’t my family just being around me. I have always been very sensitive, but more so now to things that mean nothing. Recently, I made a joke on Facebook about my mom having to take over working for me because I needed more relaxation during the summer. Someone responded that I was making my mom a slave and that I needed to stop being so selfish. Deep down I know that’s not the truth and this person knows nothing about me, but it still made me cry myself to sleep. Every day of life for 2.5 years my abuser would put me down or say mean things to me similar to that. I actually believed the stuff he had said to me for a long time, so I'm sensitive to that kind of stuff. When this person said that on Facebook, it brought back bad memories and made me really upset. Another instance that upset me was when my abusers counselor and my counselor were caught talking about me behind my back and making decisions to not have me not post on Facebook. It really upset me and angered me to the point that I cried all night. I put a lot of trust into my counselor and they were both manipulating my decisions just like my abuser had done for so long.

SECOND GUESSING

There are still a lot of times where I second guess myself. I will think that everything is my fault and that I created all the problems. These things all seem to be pretty common for people who have been abused. It is also very common that narcissistic abuse victims cannot understand things because their brain just feels like it is going a million miles an hour which is another reason we second guess our decisions. It may take a long time to heal properly, but I know that I will! I’m excited to see what the future holds.

NIGHTMARES AND FLASHBACKS

My nightmares and flashbacks have definitely been the hardest part of overcoming abuse. I have nightmares at least 1-2 nights a week. I also relive the most traumatic events quite often. My nightmares normally have to do with my abuser screaming, cheating, having his family or friends attack me, or him trying to kill me. After I have a nightmare I normally wake up really angry. When I have flashbacks I will normally have extremely high anxiety for the rest of the day. These are both things that have to be worked on through trauma therapy.

SAYING NO

Another thing I have always had a hard time doing, but more so now is saying “no.” I absolutely hate telling people “no” because I’m afraid I’m going to hurt their feelings. A lot of the times I will even end up doing things I don’t want to do because I don’t want to make someone mad. This is a very important factor to realize, so that abuse doesn’t happen again. I don’t have to feel bad for not wanting to do something and if someone does make you feel bad then they shouldn’t be in your life.

All of these things will take a lot of time and work to overcome, but I have already healed quite a bit. I will explain the steps and things that I do to make myself a stronger and a better person. It’s a battle, but I’m willing do the work.

I'm surviving and thriving!