Extra Energy

So, today I’ve been stressed out and a little bit angry/annoyed. Earlier in my blog I wrote about how I received an std/hiv check from the doctor after leaving my abuser. Dick cheated on me. I can’t say for sure how many times he cheated on me, but enough! After I left the relationship I found out about more times that he cheated on me, so I took it upon myself to get checked. I am clean, thank god, but I opened one of my bills today for a big surprise! When I went to the doctor I paid $100. Then I paid the first bill that came in the mail which was like $160-$180 I don’t remember the exact amount, and today I opened a bill for $520! Yes, $520 fucking dollars! I’m not too happy about it because that’s almost $800 worth of medical bills on top of what I’ve already paid for counseling and my life coach. That’s another $200 a week. Now I only pay $100 a week though because I don’t go to my counselor anymore. I was going to my counselor from June to December and my life coach I've been going to since November, so you do the math. I hate math, or else I would. The reason it pisses me off is because Dick can treat people like total garbage, threaten people, abuse people and cheat on people and get away with it with no consequences! He has cheated on every single girlfriend he’s had. He not only admits it, but he brags about it! Sorry excuse of a human if you ask me! There is no justice for abuse victims which is total bullshit. Maybe he can pay me back some of that money after he finishes paying off the hundreds of thousands he owes to other people and the $5000 he owes my dad! Haha what a joke! I’m also a little annoyed today because yesterday I read this post that had to do with people getting pregnant because they think it’s going to fix their relationship issues. (I don’t think that’s how you fix a relationship btw.) It made me think of a time when I was dating my abuser and I didn’t get my period. I’m on birth control, so that’s not normal. I took a pregnancy test just to make sure and it came back negative. Thank goodness! Little did I know though, you can skip your period if you are experiencing a trauma. When I told Dick that I was pregnant, he got pissed off and started a huge fight. He was disappointed I wasn’t pregnant, so he just yelled and treated me like shit. I was thankful I wasn’t. I have always wanted children, it’s actually my main goal in life, but not until I’ve found a solid, happy, healthy relationship. I knew that relationship wasn’t healthy, so I was happy I wasn’t pregnant. Anyways, it made me think about how he tried to use that as another form of control over me. He wanted me to get pregnant, so he had that control too. He didn’t give a shit about a child or a healthy environment for a baby. He cared that he would have control over me the rest of my life through a child and child support. If I would have been pregnant he would have then used that child as a tool to keep control of me and my life, just like he does to his ex. I’ve seen it first hand. Thankfully, she’s strong enough to not put up with his bullshit anymore than she has to.

It just makes me annoyed sometimes that I didn't realize what was going on at that moment. I can look back now and see everything clear as day. That is abuse for you though and manipulation. Thankfully, God knew what I could handle and he got me out when the time was right. I believe everything happens for a reason and at the pace God wants it to. However, narcissist will try and gain control in every single aspect of your life. Literally EVERYTHING, so be careful and don't even mess with narcissists! Narcissists DO NOT do anything out of the kindness of their heart, but rather for self centered, empowering reasons. They are sick people, so watch your back! I had a conversation with my abuse coach yesterday which has made me really think about things when I get stressed out or anxious. She said that we weren’t born for todays society. Our bodies weren’t made to be sedentary. We have energy that needs to be burned and if we don’t use it or burn it off, it works against us. She asked me what my anxiety level is at on a normal day, and I said about a 6 on a scale of 1-10. A 10 would be a panic attack. She said, “so your threshold is a very small window before you hit that 10.” She said, "people with anxiety need to do regular activities to keep their anxiety relatively low or at their base line." If you don’t use that extra energy it will work against you and that can cause you to hit the 10 on the anxiety scale, which is where bad things happen. So, she told me that everyone that struggles with anxiety has to do different things. For her, her anxiety drops during the week if she gets her heart rate into the cardio zone about 3-4 times a week. She said some people have to listen to music and some have to write. Everyone is different, but you have to figure out what you can do 3-4 times a week to burn your extra energy, so that it doesn’t work against you and your anxiety stays at your normal level or below. I already work out, but today my powerlifting coach made me do cardio to try and get my anxiety lower. I hate cardio, so I thought I was going to die. I started working out after my first bad relationship though to cope with my anxiety, so I know that helps me. Now, I have to write to keep my anxiety even lower. That’s why I do my blog! So hopefully by writing today my anxiety and anger will drop. Thankfully, it normally does! My best advice is to try and find something that works best for you! Maybe running, biking, hiking, drawing, painting, cooking, fishing, building, or some other type of activity. Just make sure you get rid of some of that extra energy that you are holding onto! Stressful times don't last forever, so you will get through it!