Forgiving

Should you forgive or should you not?

I wrote a blog recently that I stated how I have compassion for what my abuser went through as a child. However, yesterday I had a breakdown which led to a long, long conversation with my sister. For the past five months I have had people telling or implying to me that I need to “forgive” my abuser because I will be so much happier. Yesterday, the pressure of people telling me what to do, like forgiving, (something that I dealt with for years) got to me. I walked into my sister’s house and started crying telling her that I don’t feel I need to forgive, and she agreed.

It is absolutely bullshit if someone tells you that you have to forgive to find happiness! I am more, content, happy, mentally strong, and at peace than I have ever been in my life. I don’t believe that you have to forgive anyone who has caused horrendous acts of terror to you, but I do believe that you have to find peace. This doesn’t mean that if my abuser was drowning that I wouldn’t safe him because I absolutely would. However, I do not forgive him for the horrible things that he did to, nor do I have to. Could my opinion change down the road, absolutely, but this is what I believe for myself and anyone else who has been abused. I don’t want to hear, “Well God would want you to forgive. No, God would want me to be happy and healthy.”

My sister and I talked for a long time on the topic. She said, “I don’t agree you have to forgive him at all. If he was to change and you wanted to forgive him then sure, but it all depends on a person’s personality.” It is not in my best interest to forgive. It would not be good for my health or my healing and I will explain.

I am EXTREMELY forgiving. Now, don’t get forgiveness confused for forgetting because I don’t forget what you did to me! I am well aware of the fact that I give way too many second chances, but that’s who I am. I cannot change who I am as a person and I will ALWAYS forgive people and give them multiple chances, or maybe hundreds of chances. I mean honestly, if I wasn’t forgiving I wouldn’t have taken back my abuser every time he came crying back to me promising me he would change and be a better person. I forgave over and over again. I now know that it wouldn’t be in my best interest to forgive him, at least not anytime soon and probably never, because he is EXTREMELY manipulative.

I am an extremely empathetic, extremely loving, extremely maternal, and extremely sensitive person. THAT IS MY PERSONALITY. There is good and bad that come with it, but I have been this way my entire life and I don’t see it changing anytime soon. I cannot help that I am like this, nor can someone else choose what their personality type is. I know that I would be setting myself up for failure if I chose to forgive any very manipulative person. It doesn’t matter if the person was a friend that abused me over and over again or an ex that abused me over and over again. Manipulative people are excellent at what they do for a reason. They can convince people that they are something they aren’t or that they need your help. Because my personality is made up of those 4 main things I instantly feel the need to help or take care of people. Again, I have always been this way, and always will. I can thank my parents for that! I don’t care to fall part of another abusive relationship which is why I choose to not forgive.

So, NO, you do not have to forgive. You can find happiness and peace without forgiving. You need to do what is in your best interest and no one knows you better than yourself. You can have compassion and not forgive. God WILL NOT hate you because you choose that forgiving is not what’s best for your health and healing. If someone wants to tell you that it’s not very “Godly” to not forgive, then remind them that Jesus would want you to do what is best for you, your health, your peace, and your happiness! Also, remember some of the mostly “Godly” people are extreme hypocrites and it wouldn’t be very “Godly” of them to be making you feel guilty for making decisions in your best interest. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in God, but I don’t believe you have to go to church for Jesus to love you, so no, you don’t have to go to church and ask for forgiveness. The most “Godly” people are going to judge you and put you down for your decisions, but just remember those people have their own issues they need to take care of before they become real ‘Godly” people. Like my mom always tells me, God doesn’t make mistakes!

The forgiveness thing was a huge thing for me to mention, but I also want to add a few last things. First, I think a lot of people get confused between verbal abuse and psychological abuse. Verbal abuse is a form of psychological abuse, but psychological abuse is SO much more. Not only does it include name calling and screaming, but it also includes things like making fun of, control, manipulation, and BRAINWASHING. Yes, fucking BRAINWASHING! So, when people think “Why doesn’t she just move on? He called her a cunt, so what, get over it!” NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! It is WAY more than that. Being made fun of so that you have no self-esteem, saying things in a manner that you don’t even know you’re being made to look like an idiot, being isolated for people you love! If I could explain it I would, but that’s why it’s called brainwashing. You will have to educate yourself on the topic if you want to know more about it, but know that psychological abuse is way more than just being screamed at and called names!

Last thing I want to mention is that I make these blogs for people who have gone through similar situations. I don’t care if other people read them, obviously, but try and understand what people of hidden abuse go through without judgement or accusations that they are making shit up. I know that people who haven’t been through it don’t fully understand, and they don’t want to. I have had conversations about the topic of narcissism with people who have been through and those who have not and I can truly see how those who haven’t been through it themselves truly do not understand. IT was just like my former counselor, he had never been through what I was going through, so he couldn’t relate of educate on the level I needed. It doesn’t make those people stupid it just makes them uneducated on the topic of something they have never experienced. I’m not dumb, but I know very little about drug addiction because I’ve never been through it, so it’s not going to be a topic I can really speak on. However, I am not going to judge or make those people feel bad for something I know nothing about. My recommendation to abuse victims and survivors is to talk about the abuse with someone who had also been through it themselves!