Forms of Abuse 43- Pyschological

Now to get into the really fun part, abuse! It is said that “Not all abusers are narcissists, but all narcissist are abusers.” I experienced abuse in all forms, psychological, physical, and sexual. Some of the things I didn’t even know were a form of abuse until going to my abuse class and honestly I didn’t even know I was abused until I left my abuser. Going to counseling, my life coach, and my abuse class has helped me realize how abused I really am or was.

Psychological was definitely my abusers main form of abuse. The psychological abuse was actually so bad that I would cry myself to sleep multiple times a week or lay in the shower praying for God to never wake me up again. I didn’t know how to get away from him. The abuse came in many forms; yelling, swearing, name calling, put downs, blackmailing, lying, reckless driving, not taking medication as directed, criticizing, belittling, harassment, stalking, sarcasm, ordering, controlling, commanding, jealousy, explosive anger, interfering with calls, limiting friendships, threating self-harm, threating to harm himself or others, threating to leave, and insinuating harm or use of weapons. These are known as continuums of force which I learned about in my abuse class pamphlets. My abuser called me a cunt, bitch, slut, whore, garbage, “rat-girlfriend,” trash, and many other things. These things weren't just said once either. They were things repeatedly said many, many times.

My abuser would make fun of me based on things I would say or wear, for instance one of my swimsuits. It’s a high wasted one and I still have never wore it, because he said it was an old lady swim suit. Dick would constantly judge me based on my appearance one time he even said, “It looks like we’ve both gained some weight since dating.” He would buy himself prepackaged meals and tell me he’d also buy me some. He constantly told we had to stop eating out and that we had to do more cardio. Also, a little important information to know is what I overcame a binge eating disorder right when I started dating him. That’s not something you say to anyone and especially not someone that overcame an eating disorder.

My abuser was extremely controlling and jealous. He only liked when I did things with him. When I would hang out with my friends he would get mad and start a huge fight or tell me that all my friends were just sluts or people I shouldn’t be hanging out with. Honestly, he was never close enough to any of my friends to know who they really were/are. Plus, if my friends like to have sex who gives a shit, that’s their business not his! Supposedly, my abusers counselor told him that a few of my friends were a bad group of people to being hanging out with. They were going through difficult situations in their lives, so supposedly I shouldn’t hang out with them. If she did say this it really is none of her damn business who I hang out with. If she didn't then that's just another lie he told.

When I tried leaving him, he also told me that his counselor was telling him he should be vulnerable with me to get me back. I don’t know if that was a true or not either, but it was a manipulative tactic to try and get me to stay with him. Multiple times Dick told me he was going to kill himself if I left or physically hurt my ex boyfriends if they texted me again which is why I didn’t respond to Larry most of the time. He said he was going to “rip Larry’s throat out and put it over his head.” My abuser would constantly tell me that, “I was the only person her ever truly loved and I was the only person he ever had sex with sober.” Both of which were ways to control me and make me stay with him longer than I should have.

Anytime I would try and leave he would panic and try to do everything in his power to get me back, a lot of which I explained throughout the blog. He would tell me we would go on vacation. That was a huge manipulation tactic for him to use against me or control me with because he knows I love to travel and I like to travel with a partner. I remember when I tried leaving him in September he told me he would take me to Tulum, Mexico. When I said I didn’t want to he had a tantrum. Anytime I would try and tell him how I felt he would ignore me, start a fight, or scream at me until I shut up. I never had any closure with any situation he put me through and I was always convinced it was my fault. I was NEVER allowed to talk about him cheating. I was just suppose to let it go and get over it. I can truly say I was “emotionally raped” by him daily for 2.5 years.

My cousin recalls a situation where Dick came to my work screaming. She works for me, so she was in my old food trailer working. I had got mad at him because he had sent me screenshots of something on his computer and I saw other girls he was talking to. I got pissed and didn’t want to talk to him, so he showed up at my work. My cousin left the trailer to go outside because she didn’t want to be around us while we were fighting. He was screaming and having one of his rages like normal. My cousin recalls coming back inside the trailer because she heard him punching stuff and she thought he was punching me. Thankfully, he wasn’t, but she could hear everything he was screaming clear as day outside and got scared. Thankfully, I didn’t have any customers at work either.

A lot of the time abuse survivors cannot even explain what has happened or have blocked things out and can no longer remember them. When I started writing about some of the situations in this blog, it reminded me of a lot of things I had forgot or blocked out. A lot of the time my abuser would also justify his actions with an excuse or blame me. In my opinion I would rather be punched repeatedly than mentally abused because the bruises will go away, the mental abuse takes a very long time to fix. I am not yet mentally healed. It is said that it can take years. It is scientifically proven that many people who have been abused have the same PTSD as a soldier who goes to war. I learned that in counseling. Obviously, they are about different situations, but it’s still scary. It is also said that being with a narcissist can cause complex PTSD, which is also why I feel I have such a hard time explaining the psychological abuse, as I was diagnosed with extreme PTSD.

Someone who has been in a normal relationship can distinguish “Red Flags,” I cannot do so yet. Something that doesn’t seem right to someone else does not yet register with my brain. For example, I am still very easily manipulated and don’t even realize it, hence the reason I couldn’t figure out why I was so mad when my counselor told me not to post on Facebook. Everyone else could see he was manipulating my decisions besides me. My abuser was excellent at “gas lighting.” According to the website, Dictionary.com, gas lighting means to, “manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.” I constantly thought everything was my fault or that I was just completely crazy. He would always tell me I was, “unhappy, negative, or making him act the way he does.” I thought it was my fault that the relationship was so complex and constantly failing. I literally thought EVERYTHING was my fault. There are days where I still question myself thinking, “Was it my fault he cheated on me? Could I have done more to make him happy? Should I not have been friends with my ex? Am I crazy? Am I a bad person?” This is what the narcissist wants you to believe, but thankfully I’m getting help to overcome that.

Since dating my abuser I have also become more forgetful and a lot more anxious. As I stated earlier my ex would also use his child against me and threats as a form of abuse towards me also. I already explained a lot about how he used his child, but not so much about the threats. When I talked to his ex-girlfriend and told her how he one time told me he choked her, she told me that didn’t happen. Like I said, I think it was a scare tactic. He also once told me he tried to shove a barstool through someone’s throat and he also hit someone with a shovel in the face. I don’t know if those things were true, as they supposedly happened in his drinking days, but it was scary. He could have just told me those things to be like, “If you don’t stop making me angry this is going to happen to you.”

He also would threaten me that if I was going to leave him than he was just going to kill himself like I stated above. He would then not answer his phone. He did this many times, but I remember one specific time that really scared me. He told me that he was going to kill himself, so I tried to call him to talk about things. He wouldn’t answer. I couldn’t get ahold of him at all, so I went to his house. When I got there I was scared shitless I was going to find him dead, but he wasn’t there. I remembering panicking and texting or calling his brother and sister in law that he had threatened to kill himself and that I couldn’t get ahold of him. I was balling because I was convinced something had happened to him. He ended up calling me after his family got ahold of him telling me that he was fine. He was at the gm. He never sets his phone down, so he was intentionally not answering to freak me out. Every time I tried leaving him he also told me that he was going to the hospital for some reason or another. It was his way to guilt me into staying with him. Mostly every single time his sick little tactics worked. Physiological abuse is very, very damaging and I suggest anyone that was been mentally or verbally abused to get professional help.

My pride and joy! Nothing makes me happier!