63-Not Being an Asshole

I don’t share my story to be an asshole, but instead to help myself heal and help others to know they are not alone. I share my story for those that are too scared to share theirs. I also no longer have to protect my abuser and I never will again. I have been quiet for so long because I was embarrassed and I didn’t want people knowing I was abused. I didn’t want it affecting my business or any other parts of my life. In my eyes I was supposed to be the strong woman that runs multiple businesses that people looked up to. I felt that’s how people viewed me and I needed to live up to that. Honestly, this is my story, this is what I have lived through and I don’t give a shit if people don’t think I should be sharing it. I didn’t ask for him to abuse me or for this to happen, but it did and now maybe my story can help someone else. I no longer have to protect my abuser and I never will again.

It is embarrassing for people to know I was raped and he would hold my neck. It’s embarrassing that I had to get checked for STD’s and HIV because he was a cheater. It’s scary having to be on medication that can cause seizures when you come off of it (my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications). Xanax is also said to cause dementia in old age and that doesn’t excite me, but neither does a panic attack on an airplane making everyone think the airplane is going down. It doesn’t excite me that I spend $200 a week on getting healthy, but it’s something I know I have to do. I don’t enjoy having flashbacks and nightmares, but it’s something I fight through. I have nightmares constantly that my abuser shows up at my house and I have to call the police because he’s screaming at me. Sometimes I have nightmares that he’s trying to beg me to come back or I relive him cheating on me.

For three weeks I have had troubles sleeping where I don’t go to bed until 1-2am and anyone that knows me, knows that’s not like me. I like to go to bed at 9pm and sleep until 10am, so not sleeping is far from fun. I still have days that I wonder if the pain will actually ever fully go away, but I keep fighting. These are things I don’t like sharing, but it’s the truth and they happened. If I wanted to lie, I wouldn’t have wasted my time writing this blog nor would I have told things that are embarrassing. I have proof to a lot of things. I have pictures, I have videos, I have messages, I have Facebook posts, and I have witnesses. I will forever defend my ground and share my story.

I could have given up. I could have killed myself. I could have shut up and not shared my story, but that’s what he wanted. He had power for way too long and that is something he will never have again. As much as my abusers family wants to tell people, “He’s a really good guy. I don’t know why Karlee would be writing all this stuff on Facebook,” I just want to inform you that you’re wrong. My abuser is not a good person; he’s actually a very bad person, who has done awful things to many, many people and everyone reading this knows it. He has no intentions of changing or admitting his wrong doings. Abusers normally abuse behind closed doors, just like my abuser did, so why would anyone know about it. My parents didn’t even know. I kept things quiet for a long time. My abuser could be screaming at me, but walk into my parents’ house and act like nothing had ever happened, master manipulator he was! His family knows he is abusive and they need to help him instead of encouraging him or denying it. It is no longer mine to take care of, as I am no longer part of his life.

This is my giving key that says STRENGTH! My aunt Lucy gave it to me when I was really struggling!

I will heal and I am thankful for that! God sent me miracles when I didn’t even know what he was doing! After many, many hours I have finally finished my book on December 24th, 2018. This was technically going to be a book that I published on Amazon, but then I changed my mind to just make it into a blog, so I can continue sharing my journey. I can now go back and add in the fine details and make all the corrections!

Today is January 8th 2019 and I think I have finally fixed all the errors. I am thankful for the life I have been given and what God has done for me! I am ready to share my blog and I hope everyone can learn something from it. I AM FREE!