PROJECTION

So, I wrote this earlier and then it got deleted without being saved! So, I'm going to try it again!

I just got back from vacation last night and while on vacation I did a lot of reading. I'm the type of person that always has to be doing something or else I get bored, so since my family was just laying by the pool I decided to listen to my books while laying out. I feel like I have a lot to talk about my book and what's gone on with my life coach.

When I first left my abuser back in October I started reading a book called "Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse." It has been very helpful in learning about narcissism and abusive behavior. The last few days of vacation I finished the book and in the last few chapters it talked about the trauma is has on a person brain.

It is said that trauma turns off key parts of your brain. The left side of the brain stops functioning properly and the right side becomes hyper active. The parts of the brain that has to do with planning, cognition, learning, and decision making gets turned off which creates the feeling of living in a fog. It is also said that you get complex PTSD from long lived exposer of trauma. There is a difference from PTSD and complex PTSD. A lot of survivors of narcissistic abuse have complex PTSD because they survived many traumas over and over again. Regular PTSD would come from an incident like my grandma getting kidnapped. It was a one time thing. An Oxytocin bond is also created when you are abused which is another reason it is so hard to leave an abusive situation and why you become addicted to the relationship. It is said when you leave an abuser that physical touch helps control oxytocin levels. It is not necessarily the greatest idea to get into an intimate relationship right away after abuse, so it is said that by cuddling a dog it can control your oxytocin levels. Another thing you need professionals say needs to be done is boost serotonin and counteract cortisol levels. You can go for walks, be in the sunlight, take vitamins, go to the spa, or even recall happy memories. It is also said to help with withdraws that you should increase your adrenaline and dopamine levels because you have lived in the fight or flight mode for so long that, that's what you're use to. You need that rush, so you should do something out of the ordinary to give you that feeling.

Pete Walker says, "The best wat to heal the brain is to allow our emotions to come out through anger, crying, and verbal ventilation." He says that you need to take the time to be angry to let yourself feel what you truly went though without it turning into self blame. It is also said that it is important to go through the anger stage so that you can stand up against other toxic people. He says you have to cry so that it releases the build up that trauma has had on the brain and so that your grieving doesn't regress. Lastly, Pete Walker says that you have to verbally ventilate because by doing so the left and right side of the brain will work together again unlike while being abused. Most importantly he says that when lose your voice you feel powerless and when you finally break free and get your voice back you feel powerful!

I've heard the word "power" so much lately and it's really awaken me. For so long abuse victims feel "powerless." We are beat down daily. We are told things like, "You barely make any money. You have no real friends. You're not good at this or that." Abusers belittle their victims daily so that they can feel powerful, leaving their victims powerless. For me, I think it's very exciting to have my power back.

Another thing my book talked about was how society is not always that helpful towards abuse victims. A lot of the time people victim blame and say shit like, "why didn't you leave sooner" or "you must have done something to create the abuse." These are things that are said by ignorant people that have NEVER been through abuse. Then people wonder why abuse victims don't come out and talk about what they went through. Abuse victims have gone through unimaginable shit that by the time they get out of there abusive situation they are not looking to be put down or abused anymore. Normally, abusive victims cannot even take criticism without breaking down because they too if for years. In reality all they are looking for is to be supported and encouraged to keep moving forward on a positive. Also, remember that psychologically some victims may not be ready or capable to leave. As I talked about power above, abuse victims feel powerless and have for a very long time. My book states that this could be the first powerful decision they make in many years, which makes it very difficult to leave, so again BE UNDERSTANDING.

Trauma can be worked on and you can survive through it, however, the brain will always remember what you went through. Even many years after being abused if something reminds you of the abuse you went through, it can wake up the Amygdala part of the brain. That is the part of the brain that reminds us of the traumas we endured. Remember to be patient with abuse victims because things we don't want to think about do pop up from time to time.

Today, I went to my life coach. When I was with her I started talking about how I see things much more clearly now. I don't feel like the same person I was 4 months ago at all. I don't believe people are the same after trauma, but I feel like I am a stronger person now because of what I went through. I told her that I can spot narcissistic people much easier now and I'm so much more aware of judgmental and unkind people. She told me that ever time I come in I look different. I just seem happier and much more confident.

Confident and self love have been two of the main things I work on daily. I have never loved myself or my body as much as I do today. I told my life coach that I am so much more aware of people talking badly about their body and judging themselves and others more than I ever have in my life. I was telling my coach how somebody made fun of this girl I went to school with about her weight, and I said that's just completely mean and its their own insecurities. My life coach said, "When people put others down and make fun of other people for things like that you just have to look at think, I feel bad for you because you are that insecure that you need to try and hurt someone else." She said, "You have to realize that, that is the dialog that they speak to themselves. If someone says, "you're fat or you're stupid" it's because those are the types of things they say to themselves." It's so true! We as society feel we have to put others down to feel good about ourselves. I'm not proud of it, but I've done it. I've been judgmental and I can see it now. I have also noticed that confident, healthy, happy people are rarely judgmental or hurtful towards themselves or others. They love themselves and others for who they are! Plus, think about it, if we all looked and acted the same it would be a pretty boring world to live in. Look for the beauty within people and stop judging by appearance!

Another thing that has been on my mind a lot has been being confident versus being arrogant. I said to my mom many months ago, "If someone has to tell you their great at something numerous, they really aren't great at it," and it's so true. I was telling my coach today that my abuser would ALWAYS brag to me about how he was so rich he could buy a Ferrari if he wanted one, he was the best dad and the most present dad, and he was VERY positive. My ex-counselor also told me on numerous occasions that he was a really good counselor. When I told my coach this she said that's what people do when they are insecure about something. It's like the complete opposite and not having a balance. People want to brag about things to try and make people believe it because they truly know it's not the truth.

Today I was told that my abusers "new supply" told her hair stylist that Dick is a multi millionaire and that he was on a trip to Miami and on a private jet with a guy he was talking shit about last February. Yes, it's Elkhorn so I still hear shit about the douchebag unfortunately and yes he was talking shit about the guy because he said his programs were a waste of money, he was smarter than this man he just needed to trust himself, and that this guy really didn't have the money he was pretending to have. I bring up this topic because Dick tells people over and over again that he's really rich and because it shows his jealousy and insecurities of a man doing better than him. Dick is only projecting what he wishes was true. My ex is not a multi millionaire, not even close. If he was he wouldn't owe my dad $5000, owe the state of Wisconsin $88,0000, owe back child support, owe other companies hundred of thousands of dollars, or had me and other women support him financially in the past. Sorry, but it's public knowledge on CCAP and yes, multiple women loaned him money. My abuser also wouldn't let his son cry himself to sleep because he doesn't spend real time with him and only spends it on his phone if he really was a great dad like he says. He also wouldn't abuse people and go on Facebook rants if he was a positive person ;like he says and my counselor wouldn't have broke hippa and had to pay me all my money back if he was such a good counselor. We all struggle from time to time. I can remember a time where I went with Dick to Chili's and he couldn't afford dinner, so I bought my food, he bought his sons food, and he didn't eat. I could have paid for him, but I was done paying for shit with nothing but disrespect in return. The point is to just be honest. Don't try and fake it until you make it or put people down due to your own insectaries because that's disrespectful to the people who actually do look up to you.

I do have to add in that I have no idea what goes on in my abusers life. The only things I know are what people tell me and I could really careless what he does. I cannot stand him whatsoever, but I do want to point something out and don't get me wrong I am not standing up for him at all. I do however believe if you tell people your "significant other" is really rich, I think you might be with them for the wrong reasons. I don't feel a true relationship is based off of money and materialistic items. I can honestly say I have NEVER in my life dated someone based on their money or what they had. I started dating Larry because I thought he was funny. I started dating Arthur because he was sweet and genuine. I started dating Dick because I THOUGHT he was sober and a gym lover like myself. I mean everyone is entitled to their own type of love, but I think it might be a more genuine and true type of love if you fall in love based on who someone truly is, but that's just my opinion!

Back to what I was saying before, people are going to say "well he goes on all these vacations he must be rich or he's always with his son so he must be a great dad,"

but no that's actually not true. Narcissists are known to be very bad with money. My abuser was actually horrible with money to the point that he asked me to be his secretary to organize his shit. I didn't, by the way, however, any amount of money my abuser received he blew through immediately, hence the reason he canceled the cruise he bought me for my birthday to pay to keep his business above water. It's a cycle, both of his ex's and I have all been along through the struggles. Also, when your child is young and you buy them whatever they want and manipulate their whole life they will think you're the best thing since sliced bread, but that's not true love. Do not believe everything you see on social media because that's not true life for most people, especially Dick and remember when people tell you things over and over again that it's most likely not true! Trust me, I know multiple multi millionaires and never once have they talked about their money. I have also met hundreds of wonderful parents and they never mention how they are the greatest mom or dad around. I mean shit that's like me saying, "I'm the greatest hotdog maker around. I'm the best aunt in the world. I am the best at martial arts." When you say shit like that you just look pathetic and like you're trying too hard. I hope by me sharing this people can see past the abuse and manipulation that they struggle through.

The last thing I think is interesting to share is that I took a personality test two weeks ago. My abuse coach gave me a link to take the test online. There are 16 types of personalities and I got the "defender" personality type. The defender makes up 13% of the population and it is described as "very dedicated and warm protectors, always ready to defend their loved ones." I made my whole family take the test even my aunts and grandma. We all came back with very similar personalities. We were either described as sentential or diplomates. I haven't done a lot of research on the general groups, but those types of people are normally empaths. It's crazy because narcissists normally prey on empathetic people and both my sister and I have dated narcissist, however, a lot of people have been bringing it to my attention that they believe Dick is a psychopath and not just a narcissist. He does have similar characteristics and traits. Either way they both prey on empaths. It is said that "defenders" have a natural instinct to be parents and that they are good at jobs like counselors or nurses. It's crazy because I want to become a life coach and help abuse victims and my main goal in life is to be a mother. It fits me so well. The most rare type of personality is "INFJ The Advocate" which makes up less than 1% of the population. My sisters best friend is an advocate. I am an "ISFJ" one letter different and my sister is also one letter different. The letters stand for extrovert/introvert, intuitive/observant, thinking/feeling, judging/prospecting, and assertive/turbulent. I took the test 2 times and both times I got "defender." Although, the defender can take things too personally and be humble and shy, I wouldn't change it for the world.