47-Things you DON'T Say to an Abusive Victim

There are a few things you should never say to an abuse victim or around an abuse victim. Abuse victims are very sensitive and if you have never been abused you will never truly know what they have been through. Every day is a struggle for us and even though our days start to get better there are still things you can avoid saying to not hurt someone.

The first thing would be “It’s just a bad break up.” Everyone needs to know that this is much more than just a bad break up. Abuse victims are broken down until they feel like they are nothing. They have to get years of help and sometimes that doesn’t even get rid of the traumas they lived through. A bad break up would be two people breaking up and one of them not wanting the break up. Abuse is much more than a “Bad break up.” Try not to be oblivious to the fact that these people have been through hell and back.

You should also never tell an abuse victim that “It takes two.” That is just a bunch of bullshit because it only takes one person to abuse. At some point an abuser might beat their victim down to the point that they break, but they never asked to be abused in the first place. If you have never been abused you have absolutely no right saying that because you don’t know what it’s like. Was there times that I freaked out and screamed back? Absolutely, but tell me one person that wouldn’t freak out when they have called a cunt or have been manipulated daily!

Do not ever tell an abuse victim to “Move on and just focus on them” or “Don’t focus on your abuser” or “Don’t try and make your abuser look bad, he will do that on his own.” You might only be trying to help, but this does not help. Every abuse victim has to heal in their own way. For some people it might take months and others it might take years. If we could just move on and forget about it, we would. We don’t enjoy the bad feelings we have daily. As for me, I dated my abuser for 2.5 years. I’m not going to get over it in a day. Narcissistic abuse victims grieve twice. We grieve the person we thought we were dating and the person we were really dating. That makes the process of moving on twice as long. I am not trying to make him look bad, as he did that himself. I am only telling my story and I will not be manipulated to protect him, ever again! I focus on myself, but I also have to focus on the abuse to be able to work through it. If I didn’t talk about the things he did to me it would just stay bottled inside and break me down even more. A lot of abuse victims like to post on social media because it makes them feel like they aren’t protecting their abuser anymore. We finally have a voice of our own and no I am not the only abuse victim that posts on Facebook, SHOCKER!

Don’t tell an abuse victim “It’s just your hormones acting up.” If you say this than you really have no idea what abuse entails. It is not a quick fix and you should understand that an abuse victim’s brain is nothing like someone's who hasn’t been abused. Trust me, it is not hormones. My hormones don’t make me feel like someone is going to attack me at any second, but my anxiety from complex PTSD does.

Another acquisition people make is that “he cheated because she was friends with her ex.” That’s a bunch of bullshit and an excuse. Some people are mature enough to be able to have a new relationship and be friends with their ex’s. I admit that I do not yet feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone who is friends with their ex as I have trust issues myself. However, that’s also another reason why I am not dating yet. I want to be healthy, so I don’t have issues like that and if you believe the statement above maybe you need to work on your trust issues too. As for me being friends with my ex, like I said before, he and I were only friends and I regret the choice I made because two wrongs don’t make a right. I do believe every good person has a breaking point though.

Also, don’t tell an abuse victim “they should have left their abuser sooner.” We already know we should have left earlier, but it’s not that easy. Most abuse victims try to leave many times before actually being able to do so. As for me I tried leaving hundreds of times. Being bio chemically addicted to our abusers isn’t the only thing that stops us. Like I shared before every time I tried to leave my ex he would stalk me, guilt me into staying or coming back, treat me like garbage if I tried to leave, or tell me he was going to kill himself. It’s a battle we fight every single day trying to leave, so don’t treat abuse victims like they are stupid for staying so long. Better yet, just try to be understanding as to what they are going through and lend them a helping hand.

One comment I heard was, “yea, but she was crazy before the abuse.” That’s not only rude, but it’s ridiculous. You don’t know what someone has gone through to make them that type of person. I’m sure most abuse victims have gone through a lot previously because they obviously didn’t make a very good decision when they got in a relationship in the first place. I was one of those people! Figure out why the victim acts the way they do before saying something like that. For all you know the victim could have been raped as a child or their grandparent could have been kidnapped like mine was, both very traumatic events. We all have a back story, so just understand before making comments like that.

Something else that is very important to remember is that abuse victims cannot be their true self’s when they are being abused. I didn’t really strain any friendships or relationships with people while with my abuser, but I know a lot of people that did. Please try and forgive your friends or family members that have cut you out due to abuse because it was not their doing. When you are being abused or controlled almost every single decision is made by the abuser or to revolve around the abusers life. We don’t want to upset our abusers, so we do whatever we can just so that they stay happy. Trust me it’s not fun dealing with an angry abuser when they don’t get their way! Try and forgive your loved ones as they never intentionally made the decisions to hurt you. In reality it was because they couldn’t be their true self.

Another thing you should never do or say to an abuse victim is tell them what their abuser is doing or saying. This is not beneficial to us. The only thing this does it hurt us. We might at times express what we went through with our abuser, but that doesn’t mean that we want to know what they are doing. That does not help us move on. The only thing that does is hurt us and remind us of things we don’t care to know. Just keep it to yourself!

Most importantly, I think it is very beneficial to know that not all opinions are helpful. You may think you are helping by sharing your opinion, but it might be more beneficial to first understand the abuse victim’s entire story. Instead of flat out saying “don’t do this or don’t do that,” it would be best to ask them the reasons as to why they do what they do. For example, someone told me “Don’t post on Facebook. Everyone will find out the type of monster he is.” Instead, they could have said, is there a reason you voice your opinion on Facebook? I would reply, “I no longer have to protect him. I did that for far too long and I’m done. It has been proven to have helped other people who were abused and it helps me to express how I truly feel. It also helps me to heal which I feel is very beneficial to my mental health.” If after understanding they still feel the need to share their opinion on the matter, then go ahead, but first understand everything the abuse victims has gone through.

I am not going to tell an alcoholic to stop posting stuff about alcoholism on Facebook because I’ve never been through that. I can’t truly understand that struggle. However, I can talk to them to try and understand what they have been through and then try and give my best opinion on the situation. I am also not going to go up to my cousin and tell her to quit smoking pot. I don’t agree with it, but I don’t truly know what she has been through to take it upon myself to tell her to stop. For her, that might be a coping mechanism for the trauma she’s been through. If we choose to be understanding before giving our opinions then we will be better equipped to give a knowledgeable, powerful, helpful opinion. In my opinion, this doesn’t just have to do with abuse victims, but anyone in general. We all struggle so just be understanding of others.

These things are not beneficial to an abuse survivors healing process. If you think these things are beneficial to say, than maybe you should educate yourself a little bit more on abuse. Abuse victims are fighting a battle that no one knows anything about and like I’ve said before we even have a hard time comprehending it ourselves. I cannot judge another abuse victim because I myself did not endure their abuse, only mine. Do not tell an abuse victim what to do, as we have been manipulated long enough. If you would like to encourage them to do something different, than that is ok, but you have no right to tell them what to do especially before knowing their whole story. I would not go to a Holocaust survivor and tell them to get over the abuse and not focus on the traumas they endured because that would not be beneficial to their healing process. I have also never been in their position, so I cannot tell them what is best for them to do.

The best advice I have received has been from abuse victims themselves and they never tell me what to do or to just get over it. They tell me to work on myself and every day I will think about him and my abuse a little bit less. That has been 100% correct. It’s when I’m told what to do that I go backwards in my process. I hope people can understand that and be respectful to those that have gone through unbearable traumas.