41-Trauma Bonding

There are tons of traits of a narcissist. I don’t find any to be beneficial or helpful to someone’s mental or physical health. Mostly all narcissists have very similar tactics and traits. I will explain in greater details the trauma bond they create with their victim to keep them around.

Narcissists use a tactic called “trauma bonding” or “Stockholm syndrome.” The definition from Narcissistic Behavior states, “Stockholm Syndrome is the emotional trauma bonding of the victim with their narcissist abuser in order to survive their ordeal of living like a hostage under threat. ... This surrendering of the self to the narcissist results in the victim being totally dependent upon their abuser.” It’s basically how a kidnapper makes their long term victims believe that they are the “good guy” or “their savior.” It is actually said that narcissistic abuse victims become biochemically addicted to their abuser. I can admit that I became addicted to my abuser. I went through the cycle of abuse daily. It started with the “tension building stage” where my abuser would get psychologically abusive. He would get nervous that I would leave him, so he would start being more abusive and possessive. I would become nurturing and I would try and calm him down. I would also deny and accept his abuse. I didn’t want people to think he was a bad guy, because I still loved him. He would normally turn it around and make me believe that it was my fault that everything was happening.

My sister and I

It would then get to the “blow up stage.” This is the stage that he would rage. He would scream and call me horrible names. The abuse would be full blown and he would always block my number. I would get very anxious. If I ending up admitting he was abusive it to anyone then I would try and make up excuses for his actions and protect him, which is very common. I would constantly panic and try to figure out ways to get ahold of him since he always blocked me. I would end up using one of my work phones or my mom’s phone to get ahold of him. He liked that because then he knew he had control. Normally, I would keep it all to myself because again, I didn’t want people to think he was a bad guy.

Then the “honeymoon stage” would start. He would apologize, stalk me, tell me he was going to take me to travel the world, tell me he was going to get help with his anger, and blame it on someone else like his ex, mom, or dad. He always convinced me things were going to change and I believed him. I always felt guilty because he would tell me that “he never felt true love” or “that I went through this entire sobriety journey with him that I couldn’t give up now.” His favorite line to use was, “Everyone always leave me” or “You’re just going to leave me like everyone else always has.” He also liked to use his child to convince me to stay. He would tell me that his son really loved me and missed me and that he wants to see me. He would also use his child to contact me, so that I felt guilty and went back. I fell for it every time! The honeymoon stage was normally the best part of our relationship, but it didn’t last long.

This cycle is what I lived through every single day for 2.5 years. It is called the “cycle of abuse” which pretty much all victims live through. The tension building stage would last roughly a week. Then it would get to the blow up stage which lasted roughly 3-5 days, and then the honeymoon stage which would last about 2 days. It was a cycle that I ended up being able to predict would start over every two weeks, and it did. It wasn’t fun, but that’s how victims get you in and get you “stuck.”

Inseparable Bond