What I learned and Realized 48- Learning from my Abusive Behaviors

The most important part of my healing process has been learning from it and understanding where the problems stem from. This actually might be the most important part of my blog, so far. Well, it is in my opinion. I had to be abused one more time to realize what I did to Arthur and yes this wasn’t my first time being abused. I also had to learn that a lot of the problems stemmed from within me. I was attracting abusive people because of issues I have to work on overcoming, which I will explain. It was not my fault that I was abused, but it was something within me that was attracting those types of people into my life. If we don’t realize the issues within ourselves we will never figure out why things happen the way they do.

Since starting my healing process I have learned many things about myself. I have also learned some other very important things while dating my abuser. During my relationship I realized that I never wanted to be treated like this again, but most importantly I learned how I never want to treat someone else ever again. My first relationship with Larry was not healthy at all. It is said that if you have been abused you may take on some of the abusive behaviors you were taught. It’s the cycle! I am not going to talk about my relationship with Larry as he has sincerely apologized and we get along well now. We are products of our environments which is another reason I choose to not talk about my relationship with Larry. However, I did take on abusive behaviors with Arthur. I would scream, I would throw things, I wouldn’t compliment him, I would withholding saying “I love you” when he lied to me or made me mad, and I even slapped him in the face. I strongly regret what I did to Arthur, but it wasn’t until I was in my abusive relationship that I realized how shitty I was to him. I had to ask him for forgiveness many times, and I’m thankful he forgave me and I finally realized it. If Dick wouldn’t have abused me I wouldn’t have realized what I did to Arthur.

I was also very controlling with both Larry and Arthur. I hated drinking, drugs, and tobacco. I never wanted them to use those products because it was bad for their health. I would become very controlling about it and not let them do those things because I didn’t want something bad to happen to them. Since getting help and being abused I have realized that it’s not mine to own! That is their body and they have to do what is best for them. Just because it isn’t good for them doesn’t mean they aren’t using it to cope with something else going on in their lives. I need to not be controlling and instead understand why people do what they do. I may not agree with the decision, but that’s why I just choose to be with someone who doesn’t do those things. I can only control my actions and behaviors, not anyone else’s.