42-What it's like Dating a Narcissist

Living with an abusive narcissist is not easy at all. Everything you do is wrong and even if you try your hardest to make them happy they will still make you feel like you are complete garbage. It is not only mentally and emotionally draining, but it also very damaging to the people that have to deal with the narcissist. I will explain what it was like dealing with my narcissist every single day.

WALKING ON EGGSHELLS

It was basically like walking on eggshells every moment of everyday. I had to make sure everything that came out of my mouth wasn’t going to somehow upset his day. He was constantly angry, every single day. If he didn’t have something to bitch about he would make something up. I know it might not seem like that to most since he’s, so “positive” on social media, but trust me that’s not who he really is. It didn’t matter if it was about me, his ex, his mother, his work, he was just always angry. No matter what, my abuser would always turn it around to be my fault, which is why I had to watch everything I said. If it did not benefit him, you bet your ass I was getting my phone number blocked or he was screaming. Everything had to be done on his schedule and when it was convenient for him. I couldn't listen to certain songs because they reminded him of his drug days and I couldn't leave my yogurt spoon in his car because it reminded him of heroin. I was careful with everything I did. If it didn’t benefit him, we didn’t do it!

He and I were workout partners for almost the entire time we dated. I don’t go to work until 11am, so if I go workout by 8-8:30am I still have time to make it to work on time. Dating him though had strict rules to live by. He wouldn’t make rules, but you knew what you could or couldn’t do based on what would piss him off. He needed to work out early in the morning, so he could make it to work on time. He does work for himself and he constantly has time to do stuff besides work, but that’s beside the point. I normally did enjoy working out with him, but there were times that I just didn’t want to get out of bed at 6-7am. If I overslept, it was constantly my fault that he was late for work, or that I ruined his mindset for the day. I tried to avoid this or else it would get him angry which would turn into a full blown raging fit. That is not something I wanted to deal with, so I did what he wanted.

If I said something like, “I think it’s stupid we have to get up so early.” I would again get screamed at or it would turn into a fight. I was also yelled at for texting my abuser throughout the day because I would mess up his mindset, but when I stopped texting him throughout the work day then I also got in trouble and accused of not loving him. Either way it was a losing situation. Nothing I could do was right for him, unless maybe I gave him $100 Million dollars, but then he still would have thought of a new reason to bitch or be angry. It was easier to just walk on the eggshells than to start another issue that I didn’t need to deal with.

RUSHING, RUSHING TILL THAT’S NO FUN

Everything in my life for 2.5 years was rushed. There was no such thing as relaxing or you were considered “lazy.” We rarely watched TV unless it was something he wanted to watch like motocross or we were going to sleep. Supposedly, only uneducated lazy people watch TV. We needed to spend our time doing beneficial stuff like, working or starting another new business. We had to be on the go 24/7. Everything was scheduled to the point that he had to start putting me on his “calendar” to make time for me. For example, if we were going to have a date night it had to be on the calendar. I bitched about it! I’m a business owner and I work almost every single day from April to October and I have never put someone on a schedule. If someone puts you on a schedule than I don’t think that person really loves or values you. You make time for the people you want to spend time with! I don’t care if you are the busiest person in the world, when you go home from work you know that you need to spend time with the ones you love or they aren't going to be there anymore. My abuser never had time for George, let alone me. I didn’t know this at the time, but supposedly the most important things in life are money, ego, pretending to be something you’re not, and having 7 streams of income. I wish I could insert an eye roll here.

The thing is, life doesn’t always have to be a rush. We can relax! We are humans and our bodies need rest. Don’t ever make someone believe you have to go, go, go because not only is it bad for your relationship, but it’s also bad for your health!

VERY COMPLEX

My relationship always felt very complex, but I had no idea why. I could never do anything right for him and it got very draining. Even if I did do something I thought he’d really enjoy, like taking us on a cruise, he would still have something to say about it. For example, he was too busy to go on a cruise because of work. It always felt like everything was expected and never appreciated. Our conversations had to do with money, his work, himself, sex, and occasionally working out. Nothing else was important and it didn’t need to be talked about. I was never once able to talk about the things he did that hurt me. If I brought it up he would start screaming or telling me that in some way it was my fault. As you can imagine, that only caused more issues since I had to bottle all of my problems up. No one should ever make you feel bad for wanting to talk about your feelings either, that’s not healthy. A relationship should never feel complex for no reason and if it does then it’s not right for you. Know your value and walk away if it’s not comfortable.

THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS

There were three very important things about my narcissists that made it very hard to be with him. There are only three things we cares about and I literally mean really cares about, ego, money, and his work. Nothing comes before those things, not even his son! He even says that in his “sobriety program.” The first things you supposedly need to focus on to be sober, that he teaches are “Faith, Finances, and Family.” There are like seven steps he follows, but I can’t remember them all. I know fitness and freedom are two of other ones. Anyways, he believes you have to have faith first, which I believe is very true, but he does not. He only preaches that he doesn’t live by it. Then he says you need to put you finances first to be able to give your family the life they deserve. I’m sorry, but my finances and business will NEVER come before my family. If it meant I lost my business if I didn’t put it before my family than shit you can have it! In my opinion the only thing that comes before family is faith and unlike him I actually live by that, by simply choosing not to abuse people or treat them like garbage.

My abusers ego always came first. If it made him look cool or good he had to get it or do it. He also had to show it off to the social media world so he looked awesome. Hence, the new truck he had to “buy,” yet owes hundreds of thousands of dollars to other people. Same as the “new office” that he was going to get when dating me, but yet I convinced him it was a waste of money and a bad business decision. Everything is for the show and how he can brag to look “cool.” I can take my child to do this, I can buy a Ferrari, I buy homeless kids presents, I can do that, I buy meals for the less fortunate, I adopt dogs, blah blah blah. IT IS ALL FOR SHOW, IT IS BULLSHIT! Not a thing that man does is out of the goodness of his heart, but instead to try and convince people he’s the greatest man alive. You’ve all seen it posted on Facebook, he only does those things for people to stroke his ego and praise him and in my opinion it’s pathetic.

My abuser is also only concerned about money and forever will be. That is always the topic of conversation no matter who you are. He wants to make the most money in the entire world to have him compound and private vet. It just goes back to ego though. He needs all of that money, so it will boost his ego and people can think he’s awesome. He works non-stop, or at least he told me he did, so that he could continue to scam people out of their money to boost his ego. Yes, it is a scam, no sober coach uses steroids and no motivational speaker abuses people, sorry but it’s just the truth.

Most narcissists are concerned with stuff like money and work, but most importantly they are concerned about their ego. For me, this is very annoying because when I help somebody I’m not doing it so that I can post it on Facebook to get a pat on the back. “Look I just took the dogs for a walk at the animal shelter” or “I’m going to buy the less fortunate kids Christmas presents.” No, that’s stupid. If you are doing something out of the goodness of your heart you just do it you don’t need people to praise you for it. That’s only my opinion though, which is why it was very hard for me date someone who was so ego and money driven.

Don’t get me wrong I think it’s very important to have money and a job, but I don’t think that it comes before everything. Obviously, you need money to survive, buy you should not abandon your family and friends for your job. I understand if you want to make money because we all do, but if you spend your whole life working and not paying attention to the ones you love, they aren’t going to be there when you want them. One day you’re going to wake up and you’re going to realize no one’s there and it’s going to be pretty lonely.

Realizing that money and work is not the most important parts of life has been very draining on my life, as I believe my grandpa did this which is why I stand so strongly against it. I was never very close with my grandpa as he was always off doing his own thing like fishing or grocery shopping, but I did really love him. He always cared about how much money he had and what he could buy for other people to look cool. When he was dying I think he realized what he had done though. I think he realized he wasn’t very close with most of his family because he was always putting money first and I think he wished he would have done things differently. He rarely hugged and kissed us, and mostly just kept to himself. However, when he was in the hospital getting closer to death I remember him hugging and kissing all of us and reminding us all how much he loved us. I specifically remember my brother walking into the hospital room and grandpa said, “Ahhh Dexter, you’re just a breath of fresh air. I love you! Come give me a hug.” It was not like my grandpa at all, but it was also very sad to me. I could tell that his life was almost over and it wasn’t until this point that he actually realized how important his family really was to him. It just made me want to do anything I could possibly could to give him more time on this earth to cherish and love his family. My grandpa died on my birthday almost 5 years ago and since that day I realized I will NEVER put work or money before the people I love the most.

I do not feel it is important to have an ego. Having confidence is one thing and I believe everyone has room to boost their confidence, but ego does nothing good for anyone, in my opinion. However, money and work play an important role in our lives, but as you can see I don’t feel they are as important as other things. With my narcissists live being so work, money, and ego driven it was hard for me to be with him.

My grandpa <3